At The Ties Foundation, we call what we’re doing as we launch trust-raising. Before we ask anyone for anything, we want to earn your trust, and we want the world to know why this work matters.
So let me start with the why.
Intercountry adoptees grow up, and the support many of us need doesn’t end when the adoption is finalized. That is the reason The Ties Foundation exists, and it’s why we’re asking people to share their own “why.” But how we ask matters just as much as what we ask.
Here is something I’ve learned about that, and it has to do with dignity.
A beautiful life and a tough story
I’ve had a beautiful life and a tough story. Both are true. Sometimes people bring me in just so they can say, “Aw, what a sad story.” I understand it. They care, and sadness is an honest response. But it leaves me feeling like a token: there to make a room feel something, not to be known.
Other times, people bring me in to talk about thriving, survival, resilience, and hope. Those rooms feel different. I get to walk in as a whole person, and the people there get to meet one.
That is the difference between a token and a person. A token is asked to stand for a story. A person is trusted to tell it, and to decide what the story is about.
A token
is asked to stand for a story.
A person
is trusted to tell it, and to decide what the story is about.
What dignity looks like
Dignity, to me, looks like three things:
01
Ask, don’t assume.
Not “will you tell us your sad story?” but “is there anything you’d want to share, and only if it feels right?”
02
Let the person set the size.
One sentence is a gift. So is a no. A first name only, an anonymous line, a story that stays in your inbox: every one of those is a real answer.
03
Give something back.
Credit if they want it. Control over how their words are used. The right to change their mind before anything goes public.
That last one matters most. At The Ties Foundation, nothing is shared without a written yes, and a yes can be taken back until it is posted.
“A token is asked to stand for a story. A person is trusted to tell it, and to decide what the story is about.”
I’m still learning how to do this well. If we get it wrong, please tell us.
— Ian
Executive Director, The Ties Foundation
